Part 1: The Needy Man

“When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor, no worthiness.” - Euripides

Can love really be in excess? Can we have too much self-esteem? Too much of anything is usually a sign of a lack of something. As Adler explained, if we feel weak, unworthy, or inadequate we try compensating for it somewhere else. We act strong and courageous to compensate for the fact that we are weak and afraid, or we scream the loudest in the room to compensate for the fact that we don't really know what we are talking about, that we feel inferior to everyone in the room. Although, the point Euripides is making here is that living in extreme always hurts us. Anything good applied in excess will hurt us. We don't want to be rejected, so we do too much to be loved and accepted, which becomes a deterrent if not a repellent for love and acceptance, reinforcing our feelings of unworthiness and the rejection already in us. We can also venture to the other extreme. Be a strong tower, an impenetrable wall, and fortress, self-isolate, looking on the outside that we have too much self-love, or maybe disillusion of grandeur, self-aggrandizement, while on the inside, we just do not want to be rejected. In essence, life is really a balancing act. It's about learning to love ourselves while loving others.

Life is a balancing act.

Life is about balance. It is about balancing letting go and holding on. It is balancing what we can control and what we cannot. Living between surrender and effort. Being kind and not letting people abuse us, trusting and not be deceived, being content, but never stop improving. David notwithstanding his weaknesses was a good example of balance. He could be a warrior when needed to fight the lion, the bear, and the giant, but he could also be in tune with his emotions and cry over a psalm; balance. One time when his child was sick, David fasted, cried, and pleaded with God. As soon as the child was declared dead, he simply moved on with his life to the surprise of his servants. He knew when to fight and when to Let go; balance.

If you observe a couple of men, it will not take too long before you notice their lack of balance. Now, because we are relational beings, social animals, our lack of balance will be expressed in the way we relate to others. The toxins of our wounded hearts always show up in our relationships. Made in the Imago Dei, a man is supposed to call forth life and beauty in himself and others around him. He is capable of encouraging others through his influence, allowing them space and safety to deal with their own loneliness, selfishness, pain, and fears.

However, a man can also destroy and smother that beauty in others. This can happen because of the expression of our brokenness in relationships. Thus, some men relate to others by being needy, clingy, and extremely sensitive. Others relate to others by going to the other end of the spectrum, by being distant and strong.

The needy man

It is not good for a man to be alone:

A needy man is a man that has come to embrace that ideology to the extreme. He has come to believe that happiness does not happen in isolation, or when he is alone. Happiness happens in community. Since his happiness lies outside of himself, a needy man cannot be alone. He believes that his own internal chaos, pain, and trauma are relieved when someone does something for him. Therefore, he requires others to think of him and treat him a certain way.

He expects and demands that others come through for him to fill his emptiness. He enters a relationship for what he can get out of it, and not what he can bring. Make no mistake, a needy man can give too. He can give sacrificially as well. But when he does give, he always does so, expecting something in return. His giving becomes a manipulative tool. His giving is as a Damocles’ sword hanging over your head, a sword, a favor he is to wield at any time to get something from you, to satiate his needs.

The bowl of Soup

The Story of Esau is a good illustration of instant gratification. He sacrificed and traded his future as he was hungry. Esau was hungry and nothing else mattered to him. Such is the way a needy man relates. He is driven and blinded by such a heightened sense of need that it affects his every decision. Whether it is deciding to marry or not to marry, to hang out with friends or not, or to express his mind. It is always about what he can get out of it. His sense of need is so deep, so real that he thinks that asking for attention is reasonable. It is the least you can do, his life and wellbeing may depend on it.

In fact, retaliation may ensue if you fail to come through for him. “The human has been inhuman,” he would think. A needy man gets even if you do not deliver. He will have his vendetta, usually through sarcastic comments at first. They may appear small and inoffensive but, are small inflicted wounds that hurt and will inevitably take their toll. When that is not enough, he has other weapons at his disposal.

His arsenal is filled with anger, irritability, sarcastic comments, scathing attacks, grumpiness, passive-aggressiveness, or silent treatment. The aim is to guilt-trip you, to emotionally blackmail you to act right. Acting right is providing what he needs. He is an equal opportunity giver. Everyone in a relationship with him is made to pay whether it is a romantic liaison or a friendship. He is the victim; he is the failed one.

Victim mentality

When confronted, the needy man feels justified, because we live in a society that is committed to defend and protect the victims. But if we are not careful yesterday's victims may sometimes become tomorrow entitled people. People who will lay by the pool as if crippled, blaming their infirmity as the reason they are not moving forward.

When confronted, the needy man's answer will always revolve around, “Look, after everything I have been through, it doesn't seem like too much to ask… Why can’t you just understand my pain?”

Pain speaks so loudly in the life of the needy man that he is unable to hear anything else. He feels so justified in his pain that he always feels like he was more hurt by others than others were hurt by him. It is almost impossible to accommodate someone else pain if you believe that whatever pain you are inflicting is nothing compare to what they are doing to you.

The deeper the hurt the less likely a needy man is to listen to reason, to be aware of the pain he inflicts around him. He is blinded by his needs, and so he manipulates and demands. He is only grateful, but for a moment. Any attempt of gratefulness quickly gives way to criticism. With that, no effort is ever enough, no kindness is ever sufficient. Any attempt to please a needy man is hopeless and draining. Around needy men, most people are drained. The needy man is the friend who when you see their name on the caller ID, or you see their car parked, your blood boils, your heart sinks, you feel more tired and drained because you anticipate they would want something from you.

People in a relationship with a needy man feel:

1. A heavy burden to come through as they anticipate a potential retaliation. This is worse if the person is struggling with fear of loss of love, and their own lack of self-worth.

2. Guilty that they never come through adequately: sooner or later pressure and guilt becomes overwhelming. It may take months, years, but eventually, people give up. Nothing that is genuinely appreciated is repeated. People would stop trying, thinking to themselves, “Why bother, it is never enough.” From then, the marriage, the friendship will die a slow and agonizing death.

Woman in relationship with a needy man

A woman in a relationship with a needy man is susceptible to be depressed as she becomes more and more worn down by the relationship. Because a needy man gets into a relationship to fulfill his need, it is as if she does not exist. She could just be a placeholder. His needs blind him from her existence, her pain, her fears, her loneliness. She is scared and sometimes disgusted with herself for putting up with that. She tries her best to hide pain by filling her days with entertainment and busyness at work and with church activities.

She is unable to relax, or even worship at times. She does not feel heard or seen. So, she sometimes fantasizes about another relationship, one in which she will be seen and noticed. She will become extremely aware of how other men treat their women, wondering if they could treat her that way. She then becomes extremely vulnerable to any hint of affection from another man thinking to herself, “He seems to enjoy me; he seems to see me for me, and not what I can provide.”

The needy man is blinded by neediness, so the quality of the relationship is poor, but he cannot see that. It never occurs to him that he is not loving people as he should be, as he always worries about how others should love him. It is always about what others are doing wrong.

A needy man always:

1. Finds no fault in himself: “Hell, it is the others.”

2. Sees room for improvement in others: Why can’t you listen to me more? Why can’t you be more like Sally? Why can’t you do more? Why can’t be more like…? At no point does he reflect on what he can do to improve the relationship, and love the others better.

3. Feels justified in his anger: He is the sole victim, the sole sufferer.

4. Cannot see beyond his need and this impacts his ability to be aware of others’ pain around him.

Stand up and walk

Therefore I believe God gave the concept of tithe. Why would a God that has everything require of us to give him back 10%? I believe it is to empower us in a way to free us from a mindset of receiving. To free us from this need to be takers, leeches making everybody else bleed, so we can survive. God is always in the work of empowering rather than enabling. That is why instead of filling the cup, we are begging with, He would rather heal our broken legs, so we can work for ourselves and start giving back. Stop looking at opportunities to take, but rather opportunities to give.