Part 4: Men with Secrets: The Need for a Friend

Do not come too close:

Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man and highly regarded, because through him the Lord had given victory to Aram. Celebrated and revered in public because he was a valiant soldier, but suffering in private with leprosy. So Naaman would think: What would these people that celebrate me think of me, if they knew I had leprosy? Would they love me still? Would I still command respect in the army? In fact, would they even allow me to remain in the army? Oh, Lord what do I do when I have a secret disease festering on my skin, festering on my life?

To respond to that, some of us respond by creating protection mechanisms to keep people at bay. Do not come too close, do not look too deep, do not put me under the lights, do not put me under the microscope, otherwise you will see that I am inadequate. You will see that behind my bold and pride walk, I am suffering in private with addictions, fear of failure, fear of rejection, abandonment, and fear of not being enough.

Please remember me for my various victories in my battles, and not for my disease. Remember me better than I am. Interestingly, Naaman's cure came from a maid in front of whom he exposed himself. All this to say that you cannot have victories and heal from issues you are struggling with in private. Acceptance, honestly, vulnerability and self-disclosure are keys for healing.

When we fail to move into the darkness and the chaos of our lives the pleasures of life may then seem as the only tool for survival. We may indulge in activities that may seem like the gateway to paradise, yet keep us paranoid and alone. We might not find it appropriate to share with our partners, with our dads or some leaders at church. We can anticipate their reaction. It is not going to be one without diminished respect and appreciation. So, we keep secrets, flowers we water in own inner garden that are also keeping us lonely. Until we find a soul to be vulnerable with.

A soul we can expose the worst part of ourselves, not feel diminished, or reduced. A soul that will not judge. A soul that will not only tell us that things will be okay, but that will encourage us to do better.

A friend sticks closer than a brother:

A man needs a father to be a trailblazer, to set up a path for him to show him the way. At the same time, a man also needs another man, a friend filled with compassion that will walk the journey of life with him. When we talk about secrets here, it encompasses a whole range of things. Essentially a secret is what a man knows about himself, and he is not willing to reveal to the outside word. This may include things he has done, or things done to him.

This may also include internal things such as motives, interest thoughts, beliefs, or feelings deemed inappropriate. They are hidden because he thinks if discovered they would spoil any relationship. So, he keeps to himself for fear of being found out. The cause of impostor syndrome in many of us. These secrets end up defining who he thinks he is, and he believes that if others found out, they will agree with him.

The impacts of having secrets is as followed:

1. Secrets weaken courage:

As Nietzsche said, "If you stare into the abyss, the abyss will stare back." See the call of man is to speak to the chaos, disorder and darkness, to bring out beauty, order and chaos just as God did in the book of genesis. But a man filled with secrets is unable to do just that. He finds himself incompetent to face the challenges of life because of the reputation he has acquired for himself, namely his self-concept, self-esteem, and self-worth. In his inner dialogues he asks himself, “How can I be in a relationship with another human being, when I know who I am, when I know how broken and inadequate, I am?” So he does not try relationships. He stays as far away as possible because distance means safety. Don’t come too close, don’t look too deep, lest you discover that I am inadequate. Men who keep secrets are terrified of the idea of being exposed. And whether it is a wrong belief, or an act committed, the fear of being exposed can be so terrifying and lonely.

2. Secrets lead to isolation:

When Adam sinned, and heard God walking in the cool of day, he hid. Secrets lead us to isolation from the people around us. This leads us to isolate from the partner we are supposed to love, the child we are supposed to protect. Wherever we go, wherever we are we are always worried of a great reveal, that will finally expose us and set us apart (this too is relevant with people with body dysmorphic disorder). We are so afraid of being different.

Secrets lead to isolation because of shame. Shame leads us to hide who we are and never present our true selves. When we have secrets, a part of us is always disengaged from any conversation. We do not present all of us truly as we are always trying to hide something. We are never truly present. And if the conversation is spiritual, we are less likely to take part in it, becoming like eavesdroppers, constantly reminded of our failures.

Secrets also isolate us from the fact of God as well, but building walls creates a safe space into which you can quickly retreat. It also blocks the flow of energy and love in both directions. It is easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, unable to give or receive positive emotions as well as negative ones. This leaves many people feeling isolated and alone.

3. Secrets makes relationship difficult:

Via the burning bush, God reached out to Moses to go and rescue the Israelites, but Moses was so caught up in his intricacies, inadequacies, quirks and foibles that he refused. It is difficult to enter and make an impact into others lives when we have secrets. We are constantly aware of darkness lurching in the back of our mind. This darkness reminds us how the only creativity we have is our ability to find new ways to mess things up.

4. Secrets do not help us to face reality:

People that have secrets usually are afraid of something bigger than their secrets. They are sort of distracted by them. We hide the fact that behind our fear of our addictions being revealed, the greater fear is we feel inadequate and incompetent for life. We feel like failure. Battling with the fear of the addiction being revealed stops us from addressing the truth. People that do not have secrets and aren't preoccupied by them are free to see reality as it really is and are ready to do the work it takes to get things sorted.

Sharing with a friend: The psychology of self-disclosure:

God being omnipotent, knows everything about what we have done, and what we will do. It is however important to confess our sins to Him, so they do not fester in the secrets and darkest corners of our lives. This is foundational. But something different happens when we can share and expose the worst part of ourselves in front of another human beings. This is also valid in intimate relationships. In fact, some men found a friend in their partners.

Self-disclosure is both the conscious and subconscious act of revealing more about oneself to others. This may include, but is not limited to, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, dreams as well as one's likes, dislikes, and favorites. The benefit of self-disclosure is:

1. Compassion: We sometimes need someone to remind us that nothing we are or have ever done will doom us to defeat. We still have something very powerful to offer, and that our insecurities and secrets do not define us. Beneath our worst failures and deepest regrets, lies a man, a bearer of Gods image who can know God and reveal him in community.

2. A reminder of what could be if we ever let go of insecurities, of our fears and our secrets.

3. Rewriting the stories: When we share who we are, we usually do so with an attempt to make meaningful connections between past experiences and the future. So, sharing with others can help us establish meaning of actions, help us redefine the narrative and interpretation. As explained by Victor Frankl, in men search for a meaning, meaning is important to regain mental health. Hence, when we establish meaning, we define our identity by that meaning. and this has tremendous impact on our mental health and psychological well fare.

4. Carrying secrets has a heavy cognitive burden as we are constantly thinking about the secrets. Someone who has insecurities has to be aware of the normal activities going on around them, their issues, and the effort required to remain invisible. It takes a lot of mental space and energy. The cortex become stressed. It causes an increase in cortisol levels, affect memory, blood pressure, gastrointestinal tract and metabolism – all of which will affect our emotional and physical well-being.

5. Sharing secrets can allow us to be who we are in social contexts. Because a part of us is always disengaged as we try our best to keep it hidden. And thinking about secrets always leads us to act in a non-authentic way. Being free from secrets can free us to be free around the people we love.

6. Our secrets always show up one way or another. Our loved ones end up suffering for it.

7. Realizing we are not alone and sharing secrets allows us to improve the situation. This is because we open ourselves to others’ perspectives. So, we create meaning by re-framing our experiences and assimilated it into our own world view. This may also lead to a sense of control over the situation.

8. Improved self-acceptance: Being vulnerable allows you to accept and embrace different aspects of yourself. This can foster great confidence and authenticity.