Part 1: About boundaries

Each Heart knows its own bitterness, and no one can share its joy.

As Human beings we were created to live within ourselves, to inhabit our inner world, to inhabit our souls. We are then responsible for everything, for the package that is called us. We are responsible for our joy, for our peace. In fact, Happiness, peace and Joy are our daily jobs. But if you are anything like me, you have found yourself looking towards the Heavens, wondering why you have no joy, wondering why you constantly feel a sense of dread. This, all due to having to accept what people are doing around you, having to accept to swallow the pill or “swallow garter snakes”.

In the Bible, the serpent is the tempter who brings about the downfall of Adam and Eve. The serpent is linked to original sin. Adam didn't want to bite the apple, but the snake convinced him to do so. Since the 17th century, this biblical image has been used to designate a certain art of persuasion, to accept something without flinching. Or, so to speak, “swallow” anything so as not to get angry. But anything forced down our throat always leaves a bitter taste. It causes us to ruminate. It causes us to inhabit our inner world for longer than we were supposed to, to live in our heads. Rumination causes us to lose joy.

One could go further and say that accepting anything against our will tend to produce more anger and passive aggressiveness. In Fact, victims of rape display a lot of anger. This is to the fact that the sexual act happened without their consent; making them feel powerless over their own body, ultimately, over their own life. The course of our lives is determined by our choices. It is the only control and power we have if at all, over our lives. And when we lose it, it provokes all sort of so-called “negative emotions”.

Anger resides in the Lap of fools:

Anger is like a dormant volcano, secretly boiling hot lava but capable of erupting at any time; So I may be quiet, Heck I may even be smiling but on the inside I am really just boiling, burning with red hot anger, and you have no idea until one day I snap and spew some hot lava on you, leaving you to wonder: “where did that come from?”

We are tempted to believe that communication of so called “negative” emotional reactions will tend to be decisive. If I tell you it bothers me when you do something you are accustomed to do, I may be tempted to believe that it would be better not to mention it. Our relationship will be more peaceful. Ah you wouldn’t understand anyway. So I keep it inside myself, and each time you do your thing my stomach aches and keeps score 1..2…3…4…5…I swear to God if s/he does it one more time…6..7…until one day s/he does what they always do and all hell breaks loose...

The hulk comes out, all green with anger, and it always leave people around us surprised. All the while you were annoying me, I was keeping it inside, secretly learning to hate you, all my good thoughts turning to gall…On the other end of the spectrum, if our anger does not erupt, we secretly start checking out mentally from the relationship…And with each count of our stomach, we get closer to ending the relationship, closer to walking away. We won’t say anything nor confront you, let you get away with murder. But rest assure You will pay a price: and that price is the relationship itself…

It is as if all the while you were doing your thing, we were secretly building a case against you, garnering evidence for the inevitable swing of the sword that will happen. And all the small little victories you may think you have due to our silence and acceptance, will inevitably become steps that will lead you to a greater defeat. You may be getting away with all the battles, but you certainly will not win the war. We are not God; we are limited resources. We can only accept and take so much before we start crumbling. Before we feel violated, before our mental health is affected.

Confrontation

This is always true for people who dread confrontations, afraid of being rejected they usually let things simmer hoping that the other person will figure out by themselves that what they are doing is wrong. But nobody can correct what hasn’t been expressed as being wrong. It is as if we expect the rest of the world to be “reasonable” and do the right thing, without them being aware of what that right thing is. So, we mull over, and we asked ourselves “Why can’t they just…is this too much to ask”. Let’s face it, Confrontation is difficult. We may have been taught over the years, that when we demand what we think we deserve, people leave, or withdraw their love.

Also, our self-concept deeply impacts our ability to ask for more, for what we want, for what we deserve. Being the peacekeepers in the relationship, responsible for making sure that the relationship does not fall apart, we stay quiet, but eventually end up retaliating in our own way. So basically, we punish people for something we have deemed wrong in our head…We are judge and Jury for others’ actions, and the trial takes place in our head, anywhere else would be putting the relationship at risk, in jeopardy… Our fear of rejection and fear of loss of love, always try to prevent from losing another relationship. It is fear that is keeping us from confronting people, keeping us from setting boundaries.

Insanity defense:

The insanity defense, also known as the mental disorder defense, is an affirmative defense by excuse in a criminal case, arguing that the defendant is not responsible for his or her actions due to an episodic or persistent psychiatric disease at the time of the criminal act. This basically means that no one cannot be held responsible for crimes that they are not aware are wrong at the time they are committing them (granted, the defendant is going to a psychiatric hospital, still better than jail).

This is like the city of refuge in the Bible. In Ancient Israel, six cities were designated for asylum for unintentional murders. The condition is that if the murder was committed by accident, specifically without malice or aforethought, they could flee to city of refuge. And the avenger of blood would not have access to them. When looking at people’s action, Some measure of leniency should be applied, we must look at the context. But we appoint ourselves judge and jury, judging others’ for crimes, for how they repeatedly hurt us, and the trial is taking place in our heads… Never mind human rights, never that not even God punishes us without giving us a chance to give account for our actions, that each defendant should be given a right to an attorney to defend himself (we have the Holy Spirit, the parakletos), even the ones caught in a middle of the most horrendous crimes have an attorney…

No we set up a court room in our heads, and we judge, and the verdict: guilty as charged, and sentence you to life without the possibility of parole, or sometimes to death (you are so dead to me). How many times have we sentenced people to death in our minds? How can others’ stop or change their behaviors if I never express my discomfort? It all happens in our inner world. The Bible says only the man spirit within him knows his thoughts and it is his responsibility to communicate them, only he knows his discomfort, his bitterness (proverbs 14:10, each heart knows its own bitterness) and it is his responsibility to guard it by letting good things in and expelling bitterness and toxic things.

Ephesians 4 26:27 “In your anger do not sin”. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Theoretically, most of us would accept the fact that emotions are neither meritorious nor sinful. Being angry, of frustrated, or afraid does not make a person bad. But we exercise a strict censorship of emotions our consciences do not approve ( like anger guilt etc…) And that is why most of us dread confrontations…This usually leads to these emotions to be repressed in our subconscious mind, until they blow up elsewhere. But God says “Be angry”. God does not mind us getting angry (he created anger), he minds what we do with it (“Do not sin”).

He doesn’t mind us having so called negative emotions, he minds them having and controlling us. God Created negative emotions so we can discover our limits and establish boundaries. But God says “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”: let it out, let it go. Emotions must be communicated and reported in the lifetime of the emotions, when they happen (unless something urgent takes precedence). We must speak truth always, but speak the truth no matter how ugly, in love (Ephesians 4:15). Without Honesty, there can be no friendship, no relationship, no growth, but only adolescent bickering, pouting, jealousy, anger and accusations #letitgo.

Therefore, if I have grievances against you, instead of crawling into my corner, keeping count of each time you do your thing, thinking to myself “I am so done with you”, #letitout#letitgo. it is my responsibility to express this grievance and I need to establish boundaries for the relationship to be healthy and to be sustained.